updated pics

There are updated pics on www.forryweb.net

I finally finished a shadow box of all of Brennan's things. I am going to put his pictures in another frame for in our bedroom. But the shadow box deserves to be hung in the living room.



Mom called the cemetary guy for me and got permission to place a cross at Brennan's grave too. After doing the box and getting permission, I finally feel "settled". I'm not sure how to explain it. I think it's great that Brennan's things are no longer in a box that no one can see. This way we can share our little angel all the time.

Christmas was long and busy. I would like to say that next year, we are boycotting travel, but I don't see that happening. Between the hours of 10 and 4, we had hit our fourth and final house. That is way too much. You know that it's bad when you are wishing the rain was snow so that you had a reason to just go home. It took us 3 trips to unload all of Emma's loot. She is loving Christmas! LOL! She got the hang of it, but the paper couldn't touch the ground. It was quite cute. She would hand the scraps to someone and then rip some more only to hand the paper off.

The hits of the year? The Elmo giggle tool bench from Santa, the vacuum cleaner from Nancy and the jeep from my mom and dad. She got tons of Little People items and is in heaven. We put all the little pieces in one tote and that tote doesn't get closed often! I packed up many of her older toys and am putting them in the basement in hopes of the new year making Emma a big sister again.

Oh Christmas tree..

So far.. Emma is doing well with leaving the tree alone.. Wonder how long that will last!

As per request.. pictures of my goofy ball!

Nothing new..

Emma is still growing like crazy.. likes to do the pull toy thing right now.
Loves playing with her little people stuff. So far she has avoided any MAJOR sickness. I'm quite thankful for that.

Updates..

Emma can do:
Hide and seek
Bring you a specific item
"Read" to herself
Color in her books
TRIES to use a utensil
Roll a ball back and forth
Bounce the ball back and forth
Holds her arms for up (working on saying it!)
Holds her arms up when you say "raise the roof" or "arms up!"
And shakes her head no to tell us now.
Nods her head for yes.

She can say..(albeit not clearly)
Mama, Mom
Dada, Daddy
Cat
Dog
Duck
Woof
Quack
Meow
Moo
Cluck
What's this?
Who's that?
Pap
Oh sh** (my fault! and this one comes out pretty clearly!)
bye
hi
(waves with both hi and bye, seperate hands for them!)

We are on the call back list for the flu shot at the pediatrician's.. they do not have them yet. At her last visit, she was 23 pounds. That was approx a month-2 months ago.

Trick or Treating

Emma went to 6 houses.. and had a full trick or treat bag! We hit the people we knew, and they just loaded the baby girl up! She got the hang of trick or treating after the 3rd house. Then she would go up.. take the candy in hand and continue to take candy if they didn't remove the bowl from reach. If they did remove the bowl from her reach.. then she took my hand.. and headed towards the door! LOL!! We took the wagon with us.. so she could check over her bounty as we went to the next house. Jason stayed home to hand candy out to the wooping 8 treaters that we did get!

updates..

Sorry, I've been bad about updating this!

Emma.. trying to say a bunch of things at one time! The little imp! She says.. "what's this, what's that?, mom, dada, cat, dog, quack, woof, uh oh" She's walking all over the place.. HATES to ride in the stroller anymore!! We are getting a wagon to hopefully alleviate that! I had her pictures done for Fall, Halloween and Christmas..

af..

SUCKS ARSE! This makes no sense.. I understand it's my first af after the delivery.. but WTH!?!?!?! ARGH!!!

And some more of my precious baby from this weekend!

WOOHOO! More pics!

We went away to the mountains this weekend with my parents! We had a blast.. other than Miss Emma not sleeping during the night! ARGH! She ended up in bed with me most of the time! (dh and I slept in seperate beds because we could! LOL!!)

Pics from the parade.. and yes.. Emma is standing on a skateboard! The firetruck had a sign on for my sister. Tomorrow, 10-16, would have been her 35th birthday.

updates..

So.. I've started spotting.. finally. With the help of prometrium no doubt! ARGH!

We are going to go to the support group Wednesday night, we have a sitter lined up!

videos!

http://s97.photobucket.com/albums/l213/alicia116/?action=view¤t=MVI_0193.flv

http://s97.photobucket.com/albums/l213/alicia116/?action=view¤t=MVI_0194.flv

and all the results are in..

There is absolutely no medical reason why my baby died. All the tests came back normal. The nurse said this is good for future pregnancies..wtf?! ANYWAYS.. I still haven't had a period.. she was going to talk to the doctor then call me back about possibly a script for provera. I'm still waiting.. she called an hour and a half ago...

As for the memorial.. I'm thinking in the hallway somewhere, or Emma's room. I don't think it's fair to Brennan to have to be hung in our bedroom or Em's room for that matter... He should be where WE can remember him. (and really.. people don't come to our house that often!)

I posted the post below because many of the people that I call "friend" are no longer talking to me since Brennan was born. I'm still me, just not naive anymore. A pregnancy no longer represents just a baby to me. It hurts me more when you no longer talk to me, than the POSSIBILITY of you saying something that would hurt. Ironically, the one true person that calls me no matter what, is my guy friend. WTF is up with that? LOL! You would think another woman would understand more... but nope.. it's him. He's never experienced the loss of a child. He's not married. He's in a dating relationship, and yet, he understands more wordly than anyone could understand. He'll call just to give me time to talk of Brennan. That's all I really need. To talk of my children. And I say children (plural) because Brennan is that.. a child of God. He's just with him instead of me now. I'll see him later. I'll get to meet him later. I'll get to see him again.. later.

Taken from a Silent Grief Member's website...

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child name. My child
lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was
important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the
cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have
allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't
shy away from us. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want
you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you
would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for us often. I also know that my
child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let us know these
things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect our grief to be over. These first years
are traumatic for us, but I wish you could understand that our grief
will never be over. We will suffer the death of our child until the day
we die

we're working hard in our recovery, but I wish you could understand
that I will never fully recover. We will always miss our child and we
will always grief that our baby Devin is gone.


I wish you wouldn't expect us "not to think about it" or "be
happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate
yourself.

I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let us
grieve. We must hurt before we can heal.

I wish you understood how our lives have shattered. I know it is
miserable for you to be around us when we're feeling miserable. Please
be as patient with us as we are with you.

When we say, we're doing okay", I wish you could understand that we
don't "feel" okay and that we struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions we're having are very
normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse us when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for us right now. I wish you could understand that we're doing good tohandle an hour at a time.
Please excuse us if we seem rude, certainly not our intent. Sometimes
the world around us goes too fast and we need to get off. When we walk
away, I wish you would let us find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When our children died,
a big part of us died with them. We’re not the same person we were
before our child’s died and we will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand our loss and
our grief.
But....
I pray daily that you will never understand.

oh yeah..

Em's been walking for about a week now. LOL! She's been doing more and more. I'm so proud of her! She's talking more and more as well. We now say hi, bye, uh oh, dog, cat, woof, da, ma, there are other things that we *think* she says, but are not sure! LOL! She can wave hi and bye, "raise da roof" with a woot woot!;), points, knows arm(s), pat-a-cake, and knows how to ring a door bell. All in all she is doing fabulously. She picks up things quickly!

How cute?!

Here are pictures of Elma! (got to love goofy moms! ;) )

Tomorrow..

will be one month since I gave birth to Brennan.

Close to my heart

This is a picture of the necklace that I wear. It carries some of Brennan's ashes and will always be kept close to my heart.

*sniff sniff*

Do I stink?!

More Bren test results..

Bren's Factor 5 test came back negative. Factor 5 tests for abnormal DNA. We are still waiting on further chromosone testing. I was told not to get my hopes up on the tests, as many times, there just is no reason. We had his memorial service last Friday, it was nice. It rained during the day, but cleared up for his service. The necklaces that we ordered came in just in time. Although, we are still waiting to receive the chains/ropes. We ordered tear drops that carry some of Brennan's ashes in them. He will always be kept close to our hearts. Love you.

Emma stats

Today we had her 12 month appointment!
Weight - 21pounds 13 ounces
Height - 29.5 inches
Head - 18 something! LOL! She's doing WONDERFULLY!

We went to the fair last night... Of course I have pictures.. silly thing to ask! (or not if you know the fiasco with the Christmas video...)

Sisterhood of Sadness

Posted for me from a friend in fertility friend chat..

Sisterhood of Sadness
"I was once a member of the Pregnancy Club, my membership card consisting of two pink lines on a stick. I was eager to pay my dues, just like all the other members. Morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings -- I welcomed them all.

But they never came. And before I knew it, my membership was revoked. No real reason -- at least none I could discern -- other than bad timing, perhaps. Or, at least, that's what everyone's been telling me. That and "God's plan."

Miscarriage is a terrible word. As if one has dropped something, or carried something incorrectly. Similar to "mistake" or "misunderstanding." How I longed for it to be either of those things when I learned my baby was gone. Surely, it was a mistake, I prayed. If they would just look again, they would learn it was all a simple misunderstanding.

But the ultrasound screen showed otherwise.

1 out of every 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, say the books. That statistic terrified me when I was pregnant. So many lost babies, I thought. How can I keep mine from being one of them? But now that mine is one of them, that 1 out of 5 seems awfully small.

Or, at least, it did. Until soft-speaking female voices started whispering to me in my grief, "It happened to me, too." Their eyes told me the stories of the pain that we shared, the pain that only a woman who has carried a child - and lost it - could know. For some, it was fresh pain. For others, it was dulled by healthy babies since born.

A sisterhood of sadness.

It's a silent group, this new club of which I have recently become a reluctant member. Our membership cards are the scars we will always carry on our hearts. Our dues are paid in blood and tears. It is a painful initiation, and one never ceases membership. Because one never forgets.

I am joining, not because I want to, but because I wasn't given the choice. But at least I know I'm not alone. At least I know there are hundreds of thousands of women with me, however silent and invisible, quietly holding my hand."

VIDEOS!

I've finally figured out how to take videos off the camera!!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6508163625193409894

http://video.google.com/videoplay?d...040799410506761

odds

What are the odds? Lately.. we haven't been having such good luck. I won't go into everything, as if you have been reading.. you will know them. Anyways. I'm staring 30 down the barrel so to speak. I have melanoma. I have a melanoma gene. My paternal grandmother died at 31. My sister died at 34. Both, we believe, from melanoma. What are the odds?

grand..

When it rains.. it f'ing pours. Literally.

June, my sister dies.

Last Saturday, Emma's party, it rained. All day. Stopped around 5:30ish for a bit. Then just showered the rest of the time.

This week, the phone has been dying. I've put three repair service requests in. They can't fix it till Tuesday. It's nice not having to hear the phone all dayum day.

Tonight is Brennan's Memorial Service. Guess what? It's pouring. It's thundering. I'm looking out the window and just watching it come down in sheets. They weren't even calling for this.

Aren't we due for something good? I'm sure there is more shit to write.. it's just to dayum depressing.

bad day

Today was not a very good day for me. As the day came to an end.. the more emotional I became. Tomorrow evening, I lay my first son down for an eternal sleep. I can't believe it. Things are just unfair. I should still be pregnant. I should still be feeling his little movements in me. I should still be looking forward to his arrival. I wonder daily what he would have looked like full term. Would he have had hair like Emma did? Who's nose would he have had? Would he have had the small bow shaped nose? What would his personality be like? I'll never have the chance to know while I'm on earth. He will never have the chance to meet his big sister and become acquainted with her on earth. There are so many things that he will not be able to experience. I'm just sad about that.

Walking... teetering...

Whatever you want to call it.. We are up to consistantly 4 steps... but we have done 9. She is also standing up freely on her own in the middle of an area.. BIG GIRL! LOL!!

More on the birthday..

She got lots of nice things...

Leap Frog Learning Table
Leap Frog Alphabet Pal
An Elmo/Cookie monster giggle ball
clothes.. and clothes.. (which we NEEDED!)
money
gift cards to target
Lego blocks in a Princess carriage!
Books
GC for shoes
Puma's
... and other things that I know I'm forgetting!

She got 3 Elmo balloons.. and a Winnie-The-Pooh balloon, suction cup plates and bowls... a scooter.. a rider on toy....

Birthday