I think I have ppd. I don't know how else to describe my feelings lately. I feel like a lousy mother and a lousy wife. I can't do anything right. I don't think Emma loves me, she seems much more calmer with Jason. I just don't understand it. I try everything for her, to get her to calm down, and nothing. I've changed her, fed her, laid her down, rocked her, patted her, burped her, gave her her paci, and all Jason has to do is take her and she's immediately calmed down. I know she hates me. This sucks. I'm such a fucking failure as a mother, maybe I had better re-think having another child.

It's now 4am and I have had 2 hours of sleep all fucking night. joy. I'm so tired I could die. I had a total of 3 hours of sleep last night. Thankfully, Jason realized that he needed to take her this morning, after a frantic call to try and get him to come home sometime last night. I slept till 11am and am still tired, tonight is going to be rough.

Rough night last night. Emma slept from 4-10 last night.. basically the only time she slept all day.. we got home and she didn't go to sleep till midnight and only slept till 4am. Then we were up every half hour till 6:30am. At 8am Jason came home and took charge of her finally so I could catch another 1.5 of sleep. That was all I could get as he wanted to go to sleep as well. :(

I didn't get any pictures at Hershey, as my camera fell out of the stroller at the school.... IN THE PARKING LOT! YIKES! Thankfully, where I was parked, I was the last one to leave that area and Jason was able to retrieve the camera! *PHEW*

I'm hooked on Chex Mix-Peanut butter with Chocolate. I can't get enough of it! And the Edy's Slow Churned Vanilla ice cream? NO FREAKING WONDER WHY I'M STUCK ON THE 15 POUNDS LOST SINCE EMMA!

I'm feeling a bit bitter towards hubby today. He leaves for work at 10:30pm, so he gets no over night shifts for the most part. He comes home and plays his computer game and then goes to bed. So, barely any day time either. Then, in the evening, for the most part, I seem to have Emma again. WTF?! When he was off for his 5 weeks, he seemed to help more than he does now. I'm stuck doing all the house work and taking care of Emma. And he wonders why I don't want to bd anymore?!?! When do I have time? My day starts when Emma wakes up in the morning, and keeps going. I have lost myself in her. I don't have time to do my crafts anymore unless I arrange for someone else to watch Em.

She slept from 430 till 730 in her bassinet with just putting her pacifier back in! When she woke up, I got the BIGGEST grin from her!

She slept 4 hours in her bassinet part of her pack n play! YEAH EMMA! Then we needed to eat a little something. Now she's laying back down!

I don't think Miss Em is feeling all that well. She's not been herself today. I may just let her sleep with me, as that seems to be the only time she is sleeping today. I'm going to keep an eye on her, as she runs low grade temps like I do.

My Emma sure is growing. Take a look... the top picture is from when she first came home, the white box says Newborn. The bottom picture says 8 weeks, as I just took it!

The beginning of last night was not a good night. We were up till 1am screaming and fussing. I know that she was so tired, but just didn't want to sleep! I'm not totally sure of her bottle amounts yesterday, as Jason had her in the evening while I worked. When I figured it up from 9:30pm-11pm, she had had approx 12-14 ounces of formula.

She finally went to sleep around 1am this morning, and slept till 8:30am. At that point, she woke up and ate around 5 ounces of formula and then went down for her morning nap. She did have a bath in between her napping feeds.

Tonight we are going to a Halloween party that the school is having for the staff. My sil called to say that she and Mackenzie won't be going, as Mackenzie has some bug... So, just me and Em again! :)

Emma is growing like a weed! She's going to eat us out of house and home shortly! We are up around, roughly 24 ounces a day. With the majority of them being right before bed. I'm going to keep a daily log of her intake here, so that I'll have it to take to her 2 month checkup.

WOW! I haven't written in here for a long time! EMMA was born on August 31, 2005 via c-section. Quite the little surprise SHE was! LOL! She's embraced and loved by everyone though and is the apple of her mommy and daddy's eyes. She's now got plenty of girlie clothes, as many of the people that we know went and bought her outfits so that she didn't have to wear the blue clothes that mainly filled her little closet. I have since packed them up for the next child, that will hopefully be a boy (either way they will be loved much!).

Jason had at first wanted to wait to ttc. But after having Emma and enjoying her, he's ready for the next one already. Which is great, because so am I. I actually miss being pregnant and feeling her move around inside me and knowing that we created the life that is using me to grow. Now, don't get me wrong, I love having Emma here and being with her in a different sense each day, but I still miss being the only one that she depends on.

Jason has jumped right in to fatherhood. He took 5 weeks off from work, his paternity leave, and has taken over the care of Emma in the evenings. I get to sleep until 5am usually. WOOHOO! Although, I'm scared to death of how I'm going to be once he goes back to work.

We had a minor set back with a gall bladder issue. I had to go into the hospital on Sept 25, 2005 and was admitted for gall stones. The gall bladder was removed on Monday afternoon and I was discharged on Tuesday morning. The hardest thing was being away from Jason and Emma. He told me to look at it as an opportunity to catch up on sleep. YEAH RIGHT! Not while in the hospital and them monitoring you every so many hours! DUH! He would bring Emma in though most of the day to spend with me, and didn't fuss one bit that all I did was hold her at that point.