I now have 6 stitches on my left side.. and prolly about 5 on my rear. Joy. I get the stitches out 1-11-06.

Doc decided to only take 2 moles off. He left the one on my upper right back shoulder. I go back 1-11-06 to get the stitches out. I can start calling next Wednesday for results.

Ok, I'm such a wuss. Everytime I talk about today's appointment, I cry. Dh wasn't going to go with me, till he asked again this morning, and I started crying again. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday, I had some eggs and a small french fry, but I can guarantee they are no longer in my stomach. I tried gingerale, but that doesn't help, also tried immodium, to no avail. Please, if anyone reads this, send positive thoughts and prayers for no evidence of melanoma during the pathology tests! IF any of these come back positive for melanoma stage 2 and above, we will not be able to have another child for 5 years. (because of the treatment I would have to do)

I'm scared shitless. Which I think is part of my problem. I'm actually causing myself stress. I'm giving myself the shits. I go tomorrow to have 3 moles removed, one by my choice, 2 by docs choice. The wait on the path reports will be the worse.

Emma's most FAVORITE pressy was from Santa! She just loves to get in her intellitainer to play!

HAPPY FIRST CHRISTMAS EMMA!! Mommy and Daddy love you SO much! Everytime I think of this as your first Christmas, and how much you have grown, I get tears in my eyes. I can't believe that you are almost 4 months old already. You are growing up so fast, and learning new things. I hope you have the most wonderful day today with all of your family!
I LOVE YOU!
Mommy

Family Time
YIKES! We need to focus more on this!

We can feel a tooth trying to come in for Emma! Too bad it's one of her k-9 teeth! :( OUCH! I feel so bad for her!

Anyways.. work... SUCKS! I want to live a pampered life... without having to work to earn that pampered life. Make sense? I would like to stay home with my daughter, to watch her grow up and change... however, I need to work to make pennies. And pennies it really is. I barely make anything at the school.. but yet, I'm doing everything that a teacher does. SUCKS! I should look in to going back to school to get my teaching certificate, but really don't want to. Why? I'm not really sure. It would make life easier for us.

My gawd, what is wrong with me? I'm sitting here ready to cry again because I have to go back to work! I was off 3/4 days last week with Emma because she really wasn't herself. I feel awful for working and leaving her. I'm envious of dh too. He's on his weekend and gets to spend the day with her now. I have to work. I'm working this weekend too. UGH! I really must finish this online stuff so that I can stay home some too. Once I get that up and running, I should be able to quit school. School is another thing that isn't making me happy anymore. I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up. The school thing is so hectic this year, it's no fun. I'm doing stuff I'm not suppose to be doing, and I don't want to hurt the kids. All I feel like I'm doing right now IS harming the kids. I don't know how to teach... and yet, that is what I'm doing at a BIG salary difference.

Emma is getting so big so fast! I can't believe it! Yesterday morning, she was holding her bottle for brief periods of time! The babysitter thinks that she may be teething. She's really taken to nawing on her fists, drolling tons, and her eating habits are out of whack, all of which can be associated with teething I've read. Most of her 3 month clothing is too short for the dearie. Her little pants look like clam diggers on her! I've gone to putting 6 months clothes on her so that her legs won't stick out in the cold!

We are going to Rocky Ridge tonight with Cori and Mackenzie to look at the Christmas lights. The one side of the park is all decorated! Can't wait!

Welp, sorry I've been neglecting! I bareley have enough time to do anything anymore! I went back to working at the school on November 21st. I enjoy it, but miss being home with Emma. I'm also working on the weekends at the pizza shop, to help with the sitter money. Emma is growing so fast! I hate being away from her right now! I do enjoy the break though, I just wish that dh would help more with her when she is home. The "nice" part is that when she is really tired, she just wants her mama to calm down. No one else will do, but that could be a down fall too. She has so far had 2 overnights with dh's parents. The one night, we were working at a dance, and it was late till I got out of the dance, and dh had to work. So, we made the decision to let her sleep over, instead of dragging her out that late. Then, she slept over the night of Thanksgiving, because my mom and I went shopping for Black Friday. We started at 4:30am! YIKES! Everybody says how she is growing so much. Which we can definitely see! Makes me sad to pack away her 0-3 month clothes! :(

We had 3 month pics done at Walmart on the 26th of November. We will be able to pickk them up on December 10th! She did SOOO well with them. The lady really worked with her, I actually liked them better than Sears! LOL!

Welp, Emma is officially sick. She's been warm to the touch, running a low grade fever (like mom!), and not her usualy self. Mil commented on her difference tonight as well. This started on Monday. She got 4 shots yesterday, but seems to be doing well with them! Ok, did a rectal temp, and she's at 99.8. YIKES, I feel like such a shit mom! We are doing the tylenol every 4 hours in hope that it doesn't go any higher. With her weight, she could receive motrin as well, not sure I want to start that yet though.

I go on Friday for a skin check with Dr. Pandelidas. My final one with him, then I go to a dermatologist. Not sure I'm going to like switching! YIKES!

Jason and I just had it out! IDIOT! I couldn't get Emma's nose sucked out, she was stuffy and having trouble breathing and I was flipping out. Her head was going everywhere the aspirator was not! I know.. typical child. But you know.. I hate being the one that has to do that all the time, and clipping her nails. I hate clipping her nails, scares me to bits! Anyways, he comes in and says.. what do you want me to do, I replied "nothing, I got her now!" He says.. "fine, I'll go get the bottle." When he comes back, I said " Why do I always have to do this and her nails?" He says, "Why do I always have to get up with her on my weekend?" I looked at him, astonished and replied, "Because I have her everyother night and day!" I can't believe that he seriously said that to me! What does he expect? To have a child and only have the glory?

Emma did GREAT yesterday! She went to bed around 9pm and slept till 6am! That's 9 hours! WOW! She's doing wonderfully, at least I think so! She started to giggle a bit today, not much, just enough to know it's coming! I'm so proud of her!

Sister came home from the hospital yesterday. She seems to be doing ok.

Went to visit my aunt and Danni yesterday at the hospital too. Aunt Janet is doing ok, ready to go home. (She's in for heart palpitations) Danni's little Madlyn is doing wonderfully! Danni and she both had some complications yesterday, but they are doing fine now! Madlyn weighed in at 9 pounds 14 ounces, 20.25 inches long. BIG BABY!

Today I went with Peggy and Mike to get the kids pictures taken. They did really well. Jordan was cute with Emma, he turned into this mother hen! LOL! He wanted to push her around, feed her, and gave her her pacifier when it fell out!

Getting a little depressed that this is my last week home with Emma. Sucks that I have to go back already. I really wish I didn't have to work outside the home, or work period. I know that Jason knows I feel this way, we just can't make it without the 2 incomes, unless we would downsize our home. :(

My friend Dannielle had her baby, a girl, 9 pounds 14 ounces and 20.25 inches long! BIG BABY! She weighs 2 ounces more than Emma at her one month appointment!

You know, did you ever have "one of those days" when you just feel like a bitter bitch?

I have so much anger right now, it's not funny. And most of it is sadly aimed at my sister. Let me go back. On the day before my wedding, my sister got pissed at me because I wasn't taking her suggestions. Huge fight ensued. My dad got involved and made us go into a room together and hash it out. That was suppose to be my day! Then, on the day of the wedding. I have no fucking clue what the hell is going on, I was going with the flow of things. Well, my sister comes up to me AGAIN and says that she and her family were going to leave if the kids pictures weren't done right then and there. So, all the pictures were put on hold to include the niece and nephews in the pictures. Now, with the birth of my daughter, I got a call at the hospital, saying that she wasn't coming in to see me or Emma because of a cold. Fine. She didn't come see Emma for another 2-3 weeks. Fine. Nan, bil's grandmother, brought the twins down to meet their new cousin, of which they have seen her a whole 3 times since she was born. Jordan has seen her 2 times, as well as my sister, bil once. Pity shame that I can actually remember exactly how many times they have seen her! So, then at the twins birthday party, my dh wasn't invited to the party. Fine. Now, it's my anniversary with dh, of which my mother in law is the only one that called to wish us a happy anniversary. My mother didn't even say anything after I reminded her. This just sucks. Why is it that it seems that anytime something good comes to me, she always has to rain on my parade? Oh, and do you want me to go into the baby shower? fuck. sisterly love... got to love it.

Happy fucking anniversary to us.

Got a call from my mom today, the melanoma has indeed returned in my sister. They are unsure of treatment at this time. Dee hopes to be home by Saturday.

Mil called to wish us happy anniversary. This is where my selfishness comes in.. no one else did. My mom didn't even remember when she called to tell me about my sister. A major day in our life, and only my mother in law remembers, nice. Guess I don't need to remember anyone else's anniversary's either.

Pissy day.

So far, the snuggle nest, WASTE OF MONEY!

Emma's newest thing is that she LOVES to sit up and watch things. Her head control is getting a bit better, she only has moments where she doesn't have much control, and those are when she's tired.

I love watching her grow and change and will miss that when I return to work on the 21st.

I just don't understand! Thursday night was 8 hours of sleep, Friday night 7 hours of sleep and Saturday night 5 hours of sleep! ARGH!

Why does dh think it's great fun to listen to Emma cry?!? HE was FINALLY holding her today and she started to cry, really loud, her hungry cry. Instead of going to feed her he sits and laughs! ARGH! I finally had to yell at him to go feed her instead of just sitting there laughing! MEN!

Ok, so dh can't take Emma to the mall with him looking for shirts and ties, but I have to take her to the grocery store to do the shopping because he wants to mow. Now, explain to me, I was gone for an hour and a half and all he got mowed was the front yard! WTF?! When I had left, he said he was going to do the laundry (start it at least), do the dishes and mow.

Oh, I bought a Snuggle Nest this weekend to try for Emma. So far, she lasted 1 minutes in it before crying.

Emma did really well sleeping last night. However, it was in bed with me. She slept 8 hours straight! YIKES! I went today and got a snuggle nest to use in the bed and to try in the crib for her. It came with a lullaby CD, so I can pop that in her CD player as well. Hope this works!

Sister is in the hospital.. not looking good says Pandelidas. We'll see.

Craft show tonight and tomorrow. 10th year school reunion tomorrow night too! YIKES!

Talk about BITCHY! I am it today! I have to work tonight and called to see where I was as to what to wear. What a waste of my time and their time calling. I should just assume from here on out that I am on the gawd dayum pick up window. Notice the name of it... PICK up window. Not fucking order window or ice cream window. PICK up window. Why do people feel that they can come to the dayum window to order food and then get angry when it's not ready in 5 minutes? We are not McDonald's! We do not have food ready made. You pull up to the window, you have to wait for the food to be made, and yes, that may require moving from the PICK up window to make room for people that want to PICK up their food! IDIOTS!

Gray (our cat) is so funny with Emma. He'll be in the office, her in the bedroom. She'll start to cry and as soon as he hears it, he's off to check on her! LOL! What he thinks he is going to do is beyond me, but it still makes Jason and I laugh!

I think I have ppd. I don't know how else to describe my feelings lately. I feel like a lousy mother and a lousy wife. I can't do anything right. I don't think Emma loves me, she seems much more calmer with Jason. I just don't understand it. I try everything for her, to get her to calm down, and nothing. I've changed her, fed her, laid her down, rocked her, patted her, burped her, gave her her paci, and all Jason has to do is take her and she's immediately calmed down. I know she hates me. This sucks. I'm such a fucking failure as a mother, maybe I had better re-think having another child.

It's now 4am and I have had 2 hours of sleep all fucking night. joy. I'm so tired I could die. I had a total of 3 hours of sleep last night. Thankfully, Jason realized that he needed to take her this morning, after a frantic call to try and get him to come home sometime last night. I slept till 11am and am still tired, tonight is going to be rough.

Rough night last night. Emma slept from 4-10 last night.. basically the only time she slept all day.. we got home and she didn't go to sleep till midnight and only slept till 4am. Then we were up every half hour till 6:30am. At 8am Jason came home and took charge of her finally so I could catch another 1.5 of sleep. That was all I could get as he wanted to go to sleep as well. :(

I didn't get any pictures at Hershey, as my camera fell out of the stroller at the school.... IN THE PARKING LOT! YIKES! Thankfully, where I was parked, I was the last one to leave that area and Jason was able to retrieve the camera! *PHEW*

I'm hooked on Chex Mix-Peanut butter with Chocolate. I can't get enough of it! And the Edy's Slow Churned Vanilla ice cream? NO FREAKING WONDER WHY I'M STUCK ON THE 15 POUNDS LOST SINCE EMMA!

I'm feeling a bit bitter towards hubby today. He leaves for work at 10:30pm, so he gets no over night shifts for the most part. He comes home and plays his computer game and then goes to bed. So, barely any day time either. Then, in the evening, for the most part, I seem to have Emma again. WTF?! When he was off for his 5 weeks, he seemed to help more than he does now. I'm stuck doing all the house work and taking care of Emma. And he wonders why I don't want to bd anymore?!?! When do I have time? My day starts when Emma wakes up in the morning, and keeps going. I have lost myself in her. I don't have time to do my crafts anymore unless I arrange for someone else to watch Em.

She slept from 430 till 730 in her bassinet with just putting her pacifier back in! When she woke up, I got the BIGGEST grin from her!

She slept 4 hours in her bassinet part of her pack n play! YEAH EMMA! Then we needed to eat a little something. Now she's laying back down!

I don't think Miss Em is feeling all that well. She's not been herself today. I may just let her sleep with me, as that seems to be the only time she is sleeping today. I'm going to keep an eye on her, as she runs low grade temps like I do.

My Emma sure is growing. Take a look... the top picture is from when she first came home, the white box says Newborn. The bottom picture says 8 weeks, as I just took it!

The beginning of last night was not a good night. We were up till 1am screaming and fussing. I know that she was so tired, but just didn't want to sleep! I'm not totally sure of her bottle amounts yesterday, as Jason had her in the evening while I worked. When I figured it up from 9:30pm-11pm, she had had approx 12-14 ounces of formula.

She finally went to sleep around 1am this morning, and slept till 8:30am. At that point, she woke up and ate around 5 ounces of formula and then went down for her morning nap. She did have a bath in between her napping feeds.

Tonight we are going to a Halloween party that the school is having for the staff. My sil called to say that she and Mackenzie won't be going, as Mackenzie has some bug... So, just me and Em again! :)

Emma is growing like a weed! She's going to eat us out of house and home shortly! We are up around, roughly 24 ounces a day. With the majority of them being right before bed. I'm going to keep a daily log of her intake here, so that I'll have it to take to her 2 month checkup.

WOW! I haven't written in here for a long time! EMMA was born on August 31, 2005 via c-section. Quite the little surprise SHE was! LOL! She's embraced and loved by everyone though and is the apple of her mommy and daddy's eyes. She's now got plenty of girlie clothes, as many of the people that we know went and bought her outfits so that she didn't have to wear the blue clothes that mainly filled her little closet. I have since packed them up for the next child, that will hopefully be a boy (either way they will be loved much!).

Jason had at first wanted to wait to ttc. But after having Emma and enjoying her, he's ready for the next one already. Which is great, because so am I. I actually miss being pregnant and feeling her move around inside me and knowing that we created the life that is using me to grow. Now, don't get me wrong, I love having Emma here and being with her in a different sense each day, but I still miss being the only one that she depends on.

Jason has jumped right in to fatherhood. He took 5 weeks off from work, his paternity leave, and has taken over the care of Emma in the evenings. I get to sleep until 5am usually. WOOHOO! Although, I'm scared to death of how I'm going to be once he goes back to work.

We had a minor set back with a gall bladder issue. I had to go into the hospital on Sept 25, 2005 and was admitted for gall stones. The gall bladder was removed on Monday afternoon and I was discharged on Tuesday morning. The hardest thing was being away from Jason and Emma. He told me to look at it as an opportunity to catch up on sleep. YEAH RIGHT! Not while in the hospital and them monitoring you every so many hours! DUH! He would bring Emma in though most of the day to spend with me, and didn't fuss one bit that all I did was hold her at that point.

Ok.. feeling TONS better this week! Last week was pure hell emotion wise.. Don't know what was up with that except everything seemed to hit me at once.

On other news.. had contractions on Wed, Thurs, and Fri of last week.. then nothing. Guess I should stroke them up to BH's? Dh and I have started bd'ing again.. hoping to help bring on labor.. LMAO! Poor dh.. "you used me to get pregnant.. now you are using me to get UN pregnant!" (like he's really complaining!?!)

Had my baby shower on Saturday.. went well... Sister's comment to the cradle my dad made? "mine didn't have hearts on it!" Jealous bitch. I tell ya.. some people can not be greatful for what they have! It's a f'ing different pattern from the one he used on hers.. good gawd.. grow up already! She still has my parents blazer.. I think they are getting concerned about the mileage.. as they had just changed their insurance coverage when she called to borrow it. Mom keeps bringing it up.. but won't call sister to ask for it back.

Mom has been going to the appointments with me and seems more involved in my pregnancy than she ever was with sister's. She's also taken me shopping for more things.. that she feels we need more of! LMAO!!!

Jason's grandmother is still not doing well. She did make it to the shower on Saturday, they released her.. only for her to start feeling ill again on Monday. She was suppose to go into the hospital on Monday.. but didn't because she started to feel better.. and then started feeling bad again on Tuesday. She's still not in the hospital.. and has the attitude.. "whatever happens.. happens". She's scheduled to have a colonoscopy sometime next week. If it's more cancer, she won't do treatment.. can't say as I blame her.. she's 80 years old.. and has given up pretty much since pop died.

I just need to bitch today. I'm so fucking emotional it's not even funny. I look to others for support.. and get nothing. They only start coming around when the time is near to start offering fucking advice. I needed them during the pregnancy as well.. not just now that I have no fucking idea what the hell is going on with my body.. yet again. When I think I'm actually experiencing something that is worth while.. it's fucking downgraded... it's not what you are feeling... blah blah blah.
WTF eva.


Doctor appointment yesterday... measuring 39 weeks at 36 weeks. He said he gives me a 50/50 chance of making the baby shower.. and that he most likely will not see me at the next appointment. According to others.. wishful fucking thinking.

My gawd.. I'm REALLY bitchy and irritable today. Fuck it all right now!

Had a doctor appointment today. They are estimating the baby to be 6 and a half pounds at this point. There is a note in my file now to monitor the baby size as the woman just wants to be cautious. I start going back every week now for checkups. Baby is still head down, doing fine and has already started entering the pelvic bone for delivery! WOOHOO! Strep B test was done, not as bad as I had thought it was going to be.. thankfully! LOL!

Doc appointment Tuesday, July 26, 2005.
Everything looks good. I passed the three hour gestational test, thankfully! My last reading was 58, which explains why I was clammy, sick and ill! Baby is measuring what he needs to be.. ad is still in the head down position. Heartbeat sounded good. Doc talked about after the baby birth control and what we wanted to use. I decided on the mini pill, as it is the easiest to stop. I'm of the mindset, whatever happens, happens as well. I have another appointment on August 10th, then I start going every week. At the August 10th appointment, I get to look forward to the Strep B test.. .NOT! LOL!

Class on Wednesday night, July 27, 2005
Class was totally uneventful. We started talking to more of the participants, which is very nice! LOL! (Just takes a while for dh to warm up!) We practiced the breathing and what not. Talked about the different pain medicines available. I really want to try going without medicine, but am not totally ruling out medicine. I'm starting to feel more prepared to bring this little one into the world. The prospect of squeezing him out doesn't seem so bad now! ;)

I just noticed how long winded I am.. SORRY!

We had our first lamaze/birthing class last night. Jason once again pitched a final fit before leaving. It wasn't so bad. The RN started out the night saying that she takes plenty of breaks, but understands that her breaks don't correspond with our bladders and needs.. yada yada... she took 2 breaks in the 2.5 hour time period. My ass was so flat you would have mistaken it for a big ol' flap jack! The chairs are uncomfy as all get out.. which she apologized for in the beginning. I'm seriously considering taking my own chair next time! There is a girl there that is originally from South Africa, her accent is lovely to listen to! And listen to it several times we did, as she asked questions every 5-10 minutes! Thank God for my toko girls so I at least have some semblance of a clue! I think these classes are just meant to freak me out. I over analyze things and now think I'm totally on the way to having Brennan out! LOL! ACK! Back to the people in the class... there is a woman there from India. She's by herself. I tried to get Jason to help her, but he didn't want to impose himself on her. I said wtf.. you are getting a mat out for her.. that's all.. not offering to help coach her! MEN! There is a couple where the hubby is a corrections officer at the local prison.. he's a cutie.. and HILARIOUS! His wife got so embarrassed by him last night! He asked the sex question for all the men in the room! LOL! She was ready to go through the floor I think! There is one girl that is due 9-7 and then I'm the next. All the others are due towards the end of Sept or later. There is also a girl that looks about high school age there. She said that she's a student, but I'm not sure at what level. There is another woman there where this is her second child, but the first for her hubby. Her other child must be around 10ish. Another couple, she's a nurse, and I forget what he said he did. They were fun as well. She has a very pretty tattoo on the top of her foot of a dragon fly. (The things I notice!) When we started practicing our warm up exercises, he wanted to know if he had to do them too... lol! He was trying to get out of them! One class down.. 2 more to go! :)

The beginning...

So here is our journey.. thus far. That I can remember. It's not all of it, so deal with it. Met my hubby in high school, he played soccer and I was a team manager. I didn't like him at the time, understand, he was a year behind me and dorky looking. He is your typical computer type nerd, had curly blond hair that was totally unruly, glasses, and was always at a computer or with the audio/visual crew. GEEK! LOL! We talked all through high school.. he attended school dances with some of my friends and so on. During my senior year, I started taking an interest in him. His friends knew.. my friends knew.. he wanted nothing to do with it. He had just broken up with his one and only girlfriend and was reeling from that. His and my friends would lock us in the AV room together, after I had skipped homeroom. We talked and became really good friends. I graduated in June 95, and we started dating at the end of that month. Things were going fine. And then I decided I wanted to sow some oats, so to say. We took a 3 month break from each other in May of97 I think it was. He was attending Millersville University at this time and stayed on campus. He drove home on the weekends that he could to see me, and I went out some to see him. We ended up back together.. yada yada yada... got engaged in May of 2000. I started planning out wedding from the get go. We set the date for 11-9-02. (end of hunting season!) Picked out my dress and started paying on it, making stuff and just keeping boxes going that were marked with what was in them. In September 01, I was told I may have trouble getting my brides maids dresses in due to the Terroist Attacks. So we had to order them right away. UGH! What a mess. I ordered the seperates, because I wanted the girls to be able to use them again. The tops were velvet and the skirts were Irridescent Taffeta. The velvet came in marked to the dressmakers, who in turn called the bridal boutique to let them know. They weren't able to get the velvet in anymore because it was considered out of season and the bridal shop refused to purchase the tops made from the marked velvet. I then had to find someone to make the tops... found someone who TOTALLY f'd them up. Had to find someone to FIX them... in the mean time, my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, and would be 6 months pregnant at my wedding. (I had already ordered her skirt 2 sizes bigger, as my oldest nephew told me she was going to have a baby!!!) So then I had to find patterns for the tops to be made.. and yada yada yada... Everything turned out ok in the end. Our wedding day went off without a hitch. My sister and I got in a fight the night before my wedding because I wouldn't take any of her advice (was actually bil's), because I wanted to do things my way. My dad got mad at both of us, pulled us into a room and MADE us talk. I ended up having to do things the way they said to an extent to keep the peace. Just frustrated the hell out of me. So now we are starting our family. Brennan John Louis is due to join our world September 11, 2005. At least, that is our due date from the doctor's. I'm hoping to go early! LOL! So far, the pregnancy has been totally uneventful and in the beginning, I was even forgetting about being pregnant. It's really hard to believe that we are starting a family of our own. We are no longer the high school kids, we have responsibilities. We are going to be responsible for another human. That's the scariest part to me. Jason is looking forward to being a father, although he doesn't say a whole lot. He goes to some of the doctor appointments with me. He always knows when they are and decides if he's awake enough to go in the am when he comes home. Which is fine with me. I didn't really expect him at all the appointments! Brennan knows his daddy's voice, and responds to it all the time with moving around. Brennan got his daddy a diaper backpack for Father's Day, so that daddy has his own special bag to use. Jason was quite tickled with his "gift!" So.... that's all I'm going to write for the day.. later.